What if I am not enough?

I have cried a lot in the months of May, June and July.

I used to not let myself cry. It was a waste of time, a sign of weakness – so I thought. Suck it up, Buttercup was my favorite moto.

But back in 2019, I had what I would call a breakdown. The emotional baggage trashcan that I had stuffed all my feelings of hurt, sadness, anger, and disappointment into couldn’t hold one more undealt with negative emotion.

I owe a lifetime worth of gratitude to a friend/mentor/coach (Vikki) for gently teaching me how to recognize my emotions and feel my feelings.  The words she said to me stuck – “It’s ok to swim in your emotions. Just don’t drown in your feelings.” So, throughout the next several years, I have learned to cry when it’s appropriate and even when it isn’t.

The reason for my tears these past few months has been because I know deep in my soul that I am not enough to make the full John Muir Trail (JMT). It weighed on my mind just as heavily as I know the backpack is going to weigh on my body – and that’s A LOT.

About a month ago, I started an online study of the gospel of John. It focused on Jesus’ I AM statements. The second session was on I AM THE BREAD OF LIFE. In John 6, there is the story of the feeding of the 5000. I have read this many, many times and so I was kind of just going through the motions when I read it again.

But instead of focusing on Jesus, the author (Megan Fate Marshman) had me shift my focus onto Andrew. Andrew is the disciple who brought the boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to Jesus. Here is what she pointed out – Andrew knew good and well that 5 loaves and 2 fish were not enough to feed the crowd. But Andrew wasn’t trying to make it enough. No, he was trusting that Jesus could.

Jesus took what Andrew and the boy gave to Him and multiplied it to feed the 5000+ in the crowd AND have leftovers.

Tears came pouring out of my eyes.

I am not enough – but Jesus is. My part is to bring to Him what little I have and trust that He will multiply it. The beauty of that is He is responsible for the outcome, and He gets all the glory.

My tears about this hike aren’t filled with fear anymore. They are filled with child-like expectancy for how Jesus is going to multiply what I have on the trail.

Stay tuned!

<>< KC