In this, I will be Confident

I love that I can workout hard so that I can run, jump, push, pull, squat, lift, work hard and play hard. My workouts not only train me physically, but they have trained me mentally over the years.

There was a time back in Georgia when Phil suddenly got really sick and I needed to take him to the ER. We spent hours there and even though it’s not physically difficult to sit and wait (Who am I kidding. It is so hard to sit and wait!), the mental exhaustion takes its toll.

By the time we got home, I was ready to be done with everything. I wanted to be done with everyone. But that’s not what was waiting for me.

Ryan had to get to practice. Annabelle tells me she has lice. As I am walking past the cat, she pukes on the carpet. Are you kidding me??!!

I remember standing there wanting to just fall on the ground and give up. Then, what popped in my head was all the times I had made it through a 10 round workout.

If you have never done a 10 round workout, let me be the first to tell you. They are horrible! You start off strong, but when you start to get tired, you think “surely this must be close to being over.” And yet, you are only on round 3. There is a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, but you keep going. One movement at a time, one round at a time, take another deep breath and pick up the weight. Eventually, you finish that 10^th round, and the feeling of accomplishment outweighs the pain of the effort.

So, I told myself that I was in a 10 round situation and I was on round 6. Pick up the weight and keep moving. So, I did.

I tell you that story as a set up to what I experienced out on the JMT.

We started at Happy Isle in Yosemite VALLEY…never did the word valley have a physical meaning to me. It now does. Good grief that was two days of a lot of up!

The first words I wrote in my journal were, “Holy balls that was hard!”

The trail was hard, the weather was hot, and my pack was heavy. But I came out of the gate strong. In my mind this was a 24 round workout (that’s how many days it was supposed to take us to hike with whole thing) and I had conquered 2 rounds.

Then came days 3 and 4.

My energy was fading, which was hard for me mentally because I usually have an overabundance. The back of my left knee had started hurting towards the end of Day 2 and was so swollen by the end of Day 3 that I couldn’t push off of it.

When I talk about the hard workouts or even the life situation that I referenced above, these are moments that are challenging but not out of my physical and mental limit. They can come close, but I don’t put myself in situations that I can’t get out of. If it ever gets to that point, I either redirect myself or ask someone to do it for me.

On the JMT, there was no redirecting available, and it wasn’t like I could ask someone to carry my pack for me. I was stuck and that made me panic.

At first, I held it in because I didn’t want to complain (I am in the process of learning the difference between complaining and stating facts). But on Day 4, about a mile in, I panicked. My knee hurt and we had just started, my pack felt heavier than the day before and my mind kept reminding me that we were only on round 4 out of 24.

I dropped my pack and started hyperventilating. I hear myself and Jessica saying out loud, “Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic.” After a moment, I managed to calm down.

The best thing about being on this adventure with my two friends was that we were constantly reminding each other that God brought us here. They helped me refocus and soon I was able to put my pack back on.

“I will lift my eye unto the mountains. Where does my strength come from? My strength comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalms 121:1-2

I think I sang these two verses in my head a million times after that panic attack.

Before I left to go on this trip, a friend of mine took me aside and wanted to remind me that my confidence needs to be in the Lord’s strength and not my own (Psalms 27:1,3).

When Day 4 was done and I lay in my tent that night, it had become very clear to me that my strength was not enough. Then I remembered that He told me it wasn’t going to be. All that He asks of me is to give Him what I have and let Him multiply it.

He is enough.

And in this, I will be confident.

<>< KC